- WHAT MORE DO I NEED - FULL TRANSCRIPT

　　Lynette and Tom uncover an unpleasant truth about Porter that he is romantically involved with the blond, femme fatal Anne Schilling. Meanwhile, Gabrielle suspects Carlos' best massage ...

　　Previously on Desperate Housewives.Can we start overIt was a surprising dayfor the women of Wisteria Lane.Well, I was wonderingif you might want- to have dinner with me- Okay.He's giving her orgasmsNot deliberately!I can see we're goingto be great friends.You are a vibrant, attractive woman...Who hasn't had sex in two years.That spells grandma to me.Let me come stay with youwhen I get out of here.This guy thinks I'm out of commission,and I want to keep it that way.What's wrong with youYou've been antsy all night.I think I left the freezer doorat Scavo's open.But it was an even moresurprising night...Crap! It's my dad!...for the Scavos.- Where is she- Don't!She isn't wearing anything, all right- Who is she- Just some girl from English class.I'm gonna go in the bathroom.You've got 60 secondsto get her out of here.There was a slightmisunderstandingin the Scavo house that night.You see, someone in the familywas having an affairwith a married woman.And Lynette Scavosuspected her husband.Hey. False alarm.The freezer was shut tight.Unfortunately for Lynette,she was wrong.- Liar.- WhatI always knew thingscould change between us, Tom.But no matter what, the one thingI always thought I'd get is your respect.Lynette, what's going onI followed you to the warehouse.I know everything.Oh, boy.Yeah, at this point, I think I'mgonna need a little bit more than that.You're right.I shouldn't have kept this from you.And for what it's worth,I wanted to bring you in on it.- Huh- But I was afraid you'd overreact.That's what you were afraid ofHey, I'm upset, too.But let's face it, boys will be boys.I think I have to sit down now.Lynette, are you really surprisedIt's not the first time this has happened,and it definitely won't be the last.You know what I have to kill you now.Well, he's your son, too.- Who- Porter.What are you talking aboutI found out Porter's been hooking upwith some girl at our warehouse.What are you talking aboutAnd just like that,the slight misunderstandingin the Scavo house had ended.Hey. What's upYou're having sexwith your best friend's motherAnd a huge family crisis had begun.Desire. It's an emotion designedto lead us astray,causing us to buy thingswe can't afford,encouraging us to sample dessertswe don't need,and pushing us into love affairswe're clearly not ready for.I want you to call that woman andtell her you are never seeing her again.Her name is Anne.Her name is Mrs. Schilling.She was your T-ball coachwhen you were six.By the way, does your best friendknow you're sleeping with his motherWe're keeping our relationshipfrom Kirby for now.This isn't a relationship.You are being used by this woman.No, I'm not. I love her.- Okay, that's it. I'm calling her.- No!What if her husband answersGee, Porter, that's just one ofthe pitfalls of dating a married woman.Listen to me!Mr. Schilling can't find out.He's totally violent.He would kill her.Well, then you've put her in avery dangerous position, haven't youOkay. I'll call her. I'll tell her it's over.I'm not going to say that you know,that'll just freak her out.But you have to promise methat you won't say anythingto her psycho husband.I'm not promising anything.So help me, if I find out thatyou do something and she gets hurt,I will leave this houseand I will never come back.Oh, please. You would never do that.Yeah I've done a lot of thingsyou never thought I would do.Wait.We won't say anything.But if you don't end this,you won't have to leave,we will throw you out.So, you wanted to see meSit.Tell us, Charlie,have you enjoyed working hereat Mrs. Van De Kamp'sYeah, it's great.- You don't feel you've been underpaid- No.Well, then perhaps you can explainwhy you stole $200from the petty cash box yesterdayWhat I didn't steal anything.Charlie, we wouldn't accuse youunless we had concrete evidence.And thanks to my diligent partner here,we do.So am I, like, firedYou're more than "like" fired.You're fired.And, of course,we want our money back.I don't have it. I spent it.Well, then I suggestyou return your purchase.Do you have a receiptYeah, like pot dealers give receipts.Well, you've just covered yourselfin glory on this one.Just please, don't tell my parents.I'll get you the money. I promise.Can you believe itA thief and a pothead!Well, at least we know now wherethe 2 pounds of cookie dough went.Oh, I gotta have one more.Thank you for doing this.Well, we needed to wipethe slate clean, rightHonestly This is the best secondfirst date I've ever had.Isn't itAnd knowing we're not gonnahave sex takes all the pressure off.- That's something we know- Yes.We're starting completely over.So this time,we're gonna do things right.Which means whatWell, it means no sexuntil at least date four.I want us to spend this timereally getting to know each other.But I do know you.- What's my least favorite word- Phlegm.You're just guessing. It's "panties."Although, some days it's "larva."Or "chunks."Well, I will try to remember that.Now you tell me somethingI don't know about you.Okay, I'm a painter.I sort of guessed thatwhen you painted my house.I mean, I paint, art.Like on a canvas, in a frame.- Seriously- I went to art school in Paris.And my professor had a beret,so you know he was good.Wow.- So now you're painting my bathroom.- Yeah. It sucks.But I've been blocked for the past year.- Blocked- Yeah.I mean,I keep trying to start new pieces,but nothing comes.It's driving me crazy.Well, I'm sorry things aren't going well.But I'm glad you told me.See, we're getting to know each other.And we wouldn't have,if we had spent the whole night in bed.Yeah, now I'm creativelyand sexually frustrated.First dates are awesome.Jeez, Roberta, I know you hateto throw anything away,but do you have the garbage menbringing you stuff nowPardon my French,but what's French for "kiss my ass"So, you said Dave has a secret.Now, how you getting that from thisIt's just a bunch of phone numbers.Yeah, maybe just a bunchof numbers to you,but to a savvy sleuth with a keen eyeand the nose of a bloodhound...Yeah, yeah, you're Miss Marplewith a bum liver.So, what's he hidingLet me walk you through it.Around the first of every month,Dave gets a string of calls,five or six, from this number in Boston.They're all short, 10, 15 seconds.My guess is he's not picking up.Somebody's leaving him messages,you know, bugging him.Once a month, huhMy guess,it's an ex-wife looking for alimony.Except it's not. You see thisAfter a few days, he always calls back.And who, you ask, is he callingA hospital in Boston. It's the officeof Dr. Samuel Heller, psychiatrist.So, once a monthDave whines about his lifeto a Beantown headshrink.Big whoop.I looked up your Davey's docon the web,he's not your garden-variety shrink.He's a renowned psychiatristand published authorwith a very specialized fieldof expertise.And that, my dear Watson,is your neighbor's little secret.Oh, lap of luxury,how I've missed sitting in you.Celia, Juanita, Chef is takingfresh baked cookies out of the oven.I can't tell you how nice it is to hearthe sound of children's laughterin this house.You know what I was thinkingWhy don't you all stay the weekend- Oh, we'd love to.- Jeez, we can't.Why notCelia's birthday party is Sunday.We've got to get ready for it,rememberWhat's to get readyYou buy a $9 sheet cakeand fling a piata over a tree.Bam, party time.But I don't have a change of clothes.My nephew left a whole closetfull of old clothes.I'm sure something will fit you.- Well...- Carlos, just nod your head,'cause I ain't leaving this pool.Oh, good. It's settled.Oh, Gabby,your margarita's getting low.I'll send Brandon out with a fresh one.Thank you.What are you doingWhat You heard the woman.She wants children's laughter.And I want the lobsterthe chef is serving for dinner.- It's a win-win.- I just don't feel comfortable with this.Why not I mean, look at this place!It's like Shangri-La.Wow, you're right.The pitch black I see here is muchmore dazzling than the one at home.What is your problemMy problem is that it's a bad ideato mix business and pleasure.Says the man who massaged herinto an orgasm.Even more reasonto keep some professional distance.Carlos, she's justa lonely old woman yearningfor some friendshipand human contact.And I, for one,am happy to be that human.Mrs. Solis, your margarita.Oh, shoot. I can't reach it.Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late.Hey. Did you bring beer- Was I supposed to- No, Tom was supposed to.Gosh, sorry.I thought the two casesI bought Mondaywould've lastedmore than one rehearsal.Boys, we're better offnot drinking today.We've got a lot of work to doand only one week to do it.What are you talking aboutWe are playing Battle of the Bandsat the White Horse.Dave,Battle of the Bands isn't for amateurs.You gotta audition.We don't.Edie's got a real-estate buddywhose husband owns the club.You're kidding.We're playing an actual gigIn front of people who aren't listeningjust because I pay their allowance- Well, this is fantastic!- Yes.That means the pressure's on.We gotta really rehearseour cover stuff.And we need an original song.I don't know anythingabout songwriting.- I know a little bit.- No, you don't.It's fine.Mike and I will write something.- You got a little time later- Not tonight. I got plans.Plans What's her nameCan we just rehearse, pleaseYou know, I heard that Susanand Jackson broke up.I heard they got back together.It's not Susan.Stop guessing. Also, get lives.Whatever, Mike.Just so long as you're having fun.Hey, who said you can turnthe board around Get back here.No, just come out hereand show me some moves.Sorry to bother you.Just wanted to see if you neededanything before I go off to bed.No, we're good.Sure you don't want toorder margarita number 12Sure you don't wantto shut your pie-holeIt's so cute how you two bicker.- Carlos, how do those pajamas fit you- They're perfect.I hope your nephew doesn't mindthat I was wearing them.He'll never know. We're estranged.Oh, okay.Anyway, we're good.So have a nice night.Oh, what's that- Some animated thing.- I love animated movies.The girls wanted to watch it.So, we're kind of havinga family movie night.Oh, that sounds like fun.My heavens, is that penguin surfingGee, I don't know.I can't really see the screen anymore.- Oh, dear, I'm being rude.- That's okay.There. That's better.- Did she just crawl under...- Oh, yeah.And so there I was in ninth grade,and my boobs had notmade an appearance.I was desperate.Here, let me refill that for you.And so that's when I got caughtstuffing at the pep rally.And six months later, kaboom,I was voted prom queen.Nice work, girls.Stop that. Right now.- What- The sex music. Turn it off.That's not sex music.We are not having sexuntil date number four,and this is date number two.I know what it is.It's just that you lookso hot in these pants,and your hair smells so good,and your eyes...Look, I made you dinner! Come on!- Jackson...- I braised beef for you.Do you know what a pain in the assit is to braise meatOkay, do you knowhow sad it makes meto know that you only braised itto boink meYou're supposedto be asking me questions.The point of all this was to getto know each other better.How is it going to makeour relationship stronger for meto know that in the fifth gradethey sent you to the therapistbecause you wouldn't stopchewing your hairYou know,that was hard for me to share,and the fact thatyou just made light of it...No, I'm callingthe second date officially over.You know what I was going to let youfeel me up over my blouse.But now Nada.So, before we wrap up here,we still need some chaperonesfor the Junior Prom.Anne Schilling iscoordinating the volunteersand she could really use some help.NobodyI know we're all busy,but this is important.We want our kids to have fun,but let's face it,if we don't keep an eye on them,God only knows what kindof trouble they'll get into.Helen, Marjorie, you'll helpFantastic. Thanks, guys.Hey, Lynette.Do these meetings keep getting longer,or do they just seem that wayI don't know.So, how's the familyI haven't seen Penny in so long,and all the kids are getting so big now.I guess the boys will begoing off to college soon...- Lynette!- I know everything. OkayLook, I'm sorry,but it's important for you to understand.I love Porter.So do I.And if you ever laya hand on him again,you'll find out just how much.Oh, Bree. I've got good news.Me, too. You go first.I've hired a girlto replace that thief, Charlie.Well, are you sure she's trustworthyWell, she comeswith a strong recommendationfrom the head of the local FBI office,her father, who's Mormon.Well done, Orson.Thank you. Your turn.The New Christian Readerjust publishedan advance review of my cookbook!Listen."Mrs. Van De Kamp's colorful storiesof her upbringing"show her upstanding values,but her recipes are sinfully delicious."They gave me four halos.Then I think this is appropriate.Holy cow!I have to admit I had some reservationsabout us working together.But this has succeededbeyond my wildest dreams.We're quite a team, aren't weYeah, and the best part is we getto see each other all the time.I know. Which makes the hardest partkeeping my hands off you all the time.Orson,you can't be serious. HereThis kitchen is the birthplaceof our triumphs.What better place to celebrate themThis counter's hard on my head.Do you want me to stop- No, get me an oven mitt.- Right.Oh, much better.Rise and shine, girls, rise and...- Oh, my God, what are you doing- Gabby, it's fine.We're just doing a little art project.I told the girls they could decoratethe room any way they wanted.I'm making a castle.- It's stupid.- No, you're stupid.You're both stupid. Stop it!Mrs. Hildebrand,this is really nice of you.But why would you wantto ruin your beautiful roomOh, it's not my room anymore.It's their room.- What- Yes, it's the room they'll be staying inwhenever you come to visit.They're getting a new TV, bunk beds...I'll have it ready by the timeyou get here next weekend.Oh...Next weekend,Carlos and I have plans.Well, I'll bet the girls don't.I'll send a car for them.I don't think that's such a good idea.How about it, girlsYou want to spend next weekend here- Yay!- Thank you, Mrs. Hildebrand.- What did I tell you- Sorry. Thank you, Grandma.Come. Hugs."Grandma"She told them to call her "Grandma"Yes. And that's why we're leaving.After you told herwe'd stay all weekend- How are we going to do that- I don't know. Make an excuse.Say you have some blind thingyou have to go to.We have to be very careful here.This woman has a lot of pullat the country club.Plus, we've got that Europe tripcoming up...We are not going toEurope with Grandma Nutjob.I'm not walking away from $ 100,000.We need that money.Carlos, it's not worth it.She's really starting to freak me out.Damn it, Gabby.I told you it was dangerousgetting chummy with a client.But you wouldn't listen.You had to stay for the lobster.Hey, I seem to remember somemelted butter on your bib, too.Now how are we getting out of hereShe knowswe've got Celia's party tomorrow.I'll tell her we haveto go shopping for that.Everything will be fine.Sorry, I had to wait for my folks to goto the store before I could sneak out.What's wrongAre you okayI don't know what to do.About what Let me help you.It's just all such a mess.Wait, is this about my momDid she do something else to youDid she call your husband- No.- Well, then what Tell me.I'm pregnant.Hey, do you mindif I cut out early todayI don't see why not. I mean,everything's pretty much done here.You can go now if you'd like.Thanks.Andrew, don't you look handsome.Do I Great.Is something wrongYou remember Charlie,the kid you guys fired for stealingWell, he calledand asked how you could prove it.And I said, "We've gota surveillance tape, scuzzball."Well, guess who stolethe surveillance tape last nightThat does it. We're pressing charges.You might want to hold off on that.Because, according to Charlie,the surveillance tape is also a sex tape.WhatYeah, he said it shows a couplereally going at it.So any ideawho those crazy kids might beOh, dear God.Yup. Kind of thought so.How could this be happeningBefore anything got serious, I madea point of turning the camera off.Wait. I turned it off, too.I didn't see you do that.No, you were looking for the olive oil.Obviously, you turned it back on.We need to get that tape back.Yeah, well, break out your checkbook,because he wants two grand for it.$2,000Yeah, or he's gonna post iton YouTube.What are we going to doWell, first you need to decidewhat your porn names are gonna be.Okay, this is not a joke.My book comes out next month.My old-fashioned, traditional cookbook!This could ruin me!- All right, Bree. We'll just pay him.- No.I refuse to pay blackmail to somehooligan who's stolen from us twice.Andrew, all my life I have done my bestto teach you to respect God,and the law, and neverto harm another living thing...I want you to forgetevery one of those lessonsif it'll help you get that tape back.Wow. So, carte blancheWithin reason.We are not condoning arsonor violence or...Orson, don't cramp the boy's style.Okay, sweetie,now don't forget to make a wish.- Yeah!- Happy birthday!Virginia. What are you doing hereI came to give Celia her birthday gift.Well, she's a little busywith her friends right now,so just give it to me,and I'll make sure she gets it.I'm afraid that won't be possible.You see, for my present,I'm going to take her to a shopthat sells the most exquisiteantique dollsand let her pickwhichever one she likes.Well, she's not going to leave her partyto go buy a doll.Well, of course not.I'll wait on the porch till it's over.Look, I'm sorry, but I don't want youdriving off with my daughter.You know she'll be safe with me.But if you'd feel better joining us...You sure are making this hard.I have tried to be nice,but I am running out of polite here,so I'm just gonna say knock it off.I'm sorry. Knock off whatThis whole creepy, clingy,"I'm your grandma" routine.But I've come to feel likea grandmother to the girls.In three days. That's the creepy part.What a hurtful thing to say.Especially given how generousI've been to your family.Yeah, too generous.It's like you're trying to buy usor something.Well, we're not for sale,so just back off!Who do you think you're talking toYou wicked, ungrateful girl!You're not the first greedy bitchwho's tried to bleed me dry,and then wash her hands of me.Okay, we're done here. Goodbye.Am I not making myself clearGet off my property!Gabby What's going onI came to buy Celia a doll.I believeyou've heard Gabby's response.Virginia, please. Allow me to apologize.I think it's a little late for that.Thank you for a wonderful third date.And I'm glad that you're backon board with our plan.Yeah, I really think I'm startingto get something out of it.Pop quiz!Why did Kim Beale stop talkingto me in eighth gradeYou told Erin Connorsabout her nose job.Right! What time is it- 10:48- No! It's sex time!- Wait, wait... Susan, stop.- WhatWe're not having sextill the fourth date. RememberJackson, look at me.I'm tipsy, I'm horny,I'm easier thana 5-year-old's homework.I'll call you tomorrow.The foreheadI hate to say anything, Stan, butyou are president of the country club.You need to know that the way Carlostouched me during my last massage...Well, let's just sayit was highly inappropriate.And that kind of behavior isa liability the club can't afford.Good.I appreciate your taking care of it.- Hello.- Hello, is this Dr. Heller- Speaking. Who's calling- I'm Maggie Carr, Hilltop Insurance.We have an applicantfor a new term-life insurance policy,and he lists youas a previous care provider.I was hoping toverify his medical history.The name's Dave WilliamsDave WilliamsI don't know a Dave Williams.Well, sure you do.You call him every month.- How would Maggie know that- I'm guessing.Who is thisGive me the phone. Hi, Dr. Heller,I'm Lindsay Thorne,I'm Maggie's supervisor.And she's confusedand about to get fired.And we just need youto confirm for our recordsthat you're treating a mannamed David Williams.What is your Medicare ID numberI'm not sure. We're in the processof converting to the metric system...I don't know who this is,but are you aware thatwhat you are doing is illegalOkay, look, we're just tryingto get some info on this guy.He just moved to Fairviewand he's really creeping people out.You're in FairviewYeah. WhyDoes that mean something to youNo. I'm just trying toget all the info I needwhen I contact the federal authoritiesto let them know that...Well, we really screwedthe pooch on that one.Yeah, back to the drawing board.Can I Irish that up for youIt's noon somewhere.- You got the tape- How did you manage thatOrson, we don't need to know.No, you don't.But it's kind of amazingwhat you can get a bunch of bikersto do for a case of beer.- Oh, my.- Well, I'd better destroy this.Actually, you may want to watch it first.Why I'm embarrassed enough as it is.Humor me. I'll cue it up.You watched itWell, I had to make sureit was the right disc.Here, just watch a little.Oh, dear God. I can't look.Really, Andrew.Wait. Bree, that's not us.What Well, who is it thenWait, wait. He flips her in just a sec.This is where it gets good.- Katherine- And MikeJust so you know,I'm never eating anythingthat comes out of that kitchen again.Jackson- Hi.- Hi.I'm declaring thisour official fourth date, okayThe rules have been followed.And you may begin disrobing now.I'm kind of doing something right now.Okay, I just raninto your house half naked.The only thingyou should be doing is me.What is on your face Is that paintAre you painting againYeah.- I thought you were blocked.- I was.But not having sex for a few dayskind of got my juices flowingin a different direction,so now I really need to finish.So you've brokenthrough your creative logjamCongratulations. Why not celebrate byripping off my clothes with your teethI can't. I'm not finished yet.How close are you 'Cause I can wait.Wait, wait... No, don't look at that yet.That's me.Yeah, it's supposed to be.That look on my face,I've seen it before.In the mirror, when I'm feeling...How do you know about that lookI know a lot about you.I know your cheeks get redwhen people say you're pretty.I know that your eyes start to tear upwhenever you talkabout your grandfather.And I know that when you're really sad,you get that beautiful haunted lookthat you try to shake off,before anybody can see it.I can't believe I ever thoughtyou didn't know me.Well, I guess I shouldlet you finish this.I'm sort of missing hands.Actually, that is one detailI could use some help with.ReallyUnless you have a problemposing naked.Oh, come on.I think you know the answer to that.Hello, Katherine.I thought you might want this videotapefrom our surveillance camera.- We have a surveillance camera- Yes. In the test kitchen.Oh, my God.So that means you saw me and...Mike Yes, indeedy.I'm so embarrassed.What you must think of meLet's not dwell on it.I mean, having sex in the kitchen,where food is prepared!What kind of demented slutwould do thatI said, let's not dwell on it.Thanks for bringing it by.Katherine, I'm sorry,but I just have to ask...Are you sureyou know what you're doingMeaning whatMeaning, Susan is your oldest friendon this street.She divorced him, Bree.And she's seeing someone else.Why can't Mike do thatBecause she's your friend.And we're women.We don't do that to each other.Look, I've been alone for five years.I'm finally in a relationship andyou're trying to make me feel guiltyIs that what I saw on the tapeA relationshipI don't know what it is.All I know isI'm having the time of my life.Fair enough. But just be careful.I mean, this is very complicated.I'd hate to see it end badly.Hey, breakfast's on the table.Porter, this whole hating me thingthat you've got going on right now,believe it or not,I get where you're coming from.I don't hate you.But, one day, you are gonna meetsomeone more appropriate,someone who wants the same thingsthat you do out of life.Then you are going toknow what real love is.And when you do, I hope you willfinally see where I am coming from.YeahIt's me. Can you talkHey, Gary, I'm running kind of late.Can I call you laterJust listen. I can leave town Saturday.- You have the money, right- Yeah, no problem.I love you.I know whereyou're coming from, Mom.And I want you and Dad to knowthat I really appreciate everythingyou've done for me.Good. I'll see you downstairs.Desire. It's an emotiondesigned to lead us astray,persuading those who crave loveto make foolish choices,causing those who yearn for familyto act out in anger,allowing those who are lonelyto behave in reckless ways.And when the pursuit of our heart'sdesire becomes an obsession,the best we can hope for isa caring friend willing to come along...Hi. I'd like to bookthe next flight to Fairview....and stop us.